This is a sentence that crops up a lot on the blogosphere… “so it’s been a while since my last post…and here’s why” or words to that effect. And yes I admit it has been a while. But this is not really my diary and Im not too keen on apologising for my absence when I doubt that it was even noticed. But I guess that’s what I am doing here anyway.
Nothing theatrical has happened, I didn’t get swept off my feet by love and end up marrying someone, nope I just went travelling, came back and started a masters and just left my blog here to ruminate on the meaning of its existence and its purpose.
It played hard to get and eventually I begrudgingly realised that I needed to return to it. Well if we are going to “be real” I will be honest. I put my masters degree on hold as a result of severe anxiety. Similar in feeling to the seat falling out of your wicker chair, and dropping you into the black space beneath. You find yourself a reluctant contortionist. Shifting into shapes and identities trying to find the you-shape, which at the moment is folded in two, feeling cramped and terrified.
But with a heap of love from family and friends and some VERY helpful CBT I am unfolding again, approaching something like a me-shape. Stretching back into myself, though it will be in a shape that I haven’t been before and I know that the shape will change continuously from gardener to musician to actor to art-historian, the me-morph. I digress, basically I want to be honest about my experiences with both anxiety and depression but also with love, hate, beauty,all that other shit too, oh and music which makes me feel all those things. Depression and anxiety may directly inform my writing or simply pop up as themes every now and then keeping me on my toes.
I may just be adding my voice to the chorus, but this is a choir that must continue to grow, increasing transparency about absolutely everything in the human experience. I will share the things that terrify and elate me and hope (maybe dream) that this can move us towards a more understanding and transparent world. A safer one.
Dare to dream and keep an eye on that wicker bottom.